Howz about a nice tall glass of shut the f*ck up?

I have almost no voice. It pretty much sounds like I'm whispering if I try to speak normally. Anything louder than that and I squeak like Minnie Mouse. Egads, life can be cruel. I'm not running a temperature (which surprised the heck outta me) so I'm sitting here eating ice cream and hoping it helps. Oh yeah, and I'm filling out surveys while I do that.

Soundtrack Survey

Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)

Put it on shuffle

Press play

For every question, type the song that's playing
****
Opening Credits:: "Bulls on Parade" by Rage Against the Machine

First Day At School:: "Slow Cheetah"= The RHCP

Falling In Love:: "Pain"- Jimmy Eat World

Fight Song:: "Sunday Bloody Sunday"- U2

Breaking Up:: "Call Me"- Blondie

Prom:: "The Widow"- The Mars Volta

Life:: "All Along the Watchtower"- Jimi Hendrix

Mental Breakdown:: "Them Bones"= Alice in Chains

Driving:: "Knights of Cydonia"- Muse

Flashback:: "Hold my Hand"- Hootie and the Blowfish

Getting back together:: "By Your Side"- Sade

Wedding:: "Wishing I was There"- Natalie Imbruglia (LOL, I guess I'm a no show at my own wedding!)

Birth of Child:: "Sunspots"- NIN

Final Battle:: "Let it Die" Foo Fighters

Death Scene:: "Andy, You're a Star" - the Killers

Funeral Song:: "Soul to Squeeze"- RHCP again

End Credits:: "Little Wing"- Stevie Ray Vaughan

"Now dance f*cker dance."

My week has just been made. I have an interview early next week. I'm pretty sure I just joygasmed. *griins*

And not a moment too soon. Things with work have become so crazy that I actually stormed out. Yes, I had a moment of melodrama people and it was beautiful. Now I know why that's the only way some people will allow themselves to go through life, heh.

As the holidays get closer and closer, tempers are being tried and patience is being worn thinner than usual. And of course, my boss would pick one of those five days each month where my logic is sitting in the passenger seat as my hormones gleefully take the wheel to push my buttons *rolls eyes*. I still have my job; it was more of an implosion than an explosion and I had enough of a hold on my sense to remember what it's like to not have a job.

So I'm laying low until next week and hopefully I didn't just jinx myself by writing all of this here, but it's one in the morning, I just now found out and I had to unload somewhere. Keep those fingers crossed until next week!


A rambling adolescent update on me and Joe, more for the sake of getting my thoughts out than anything else. Consider yourself warned.

We're in what I would call a holding pattern; nothing's happening really. Maybe I'm an idiot but it bothers me that I'm not as excited by us as I was a month ago. I almost want to say it's DEFINITELY not love, but who the heck am I to try to pretend I know love from Adam? I don't know, sometimes I wonder if he likes me for the right reasons, and by that, I mean, does he like me for who I am on the inside or what I look like? Maybe I'm subconsciously sabotaging things. Maybe I'm just being a bratty kid tired of her new toy weeks after receiving it. Or maybe I just need to stop analyzing everything and just let it be, heh.

*End of Transmission*

LIGHTS.CAMERA.ACTION.

Best thing about the new me? I get to a point where I get literally sick and tired of just talking about and actually do something about it. I just set the ball in motion (I hope!) for a major change in my life. Cross those fingers and toes!!

*Claire Out*

Free write

*This is another one of my free writes. Don't expect it to be even half as cohesive as any of my other posts (not that those are particularly sensical, but you know what I mean). I'm writing as the thoughts come to me and I'm only going back to edit for spelling mistakes. *


The ex is bothering me. I feel horrible about it. I can't tell him to f*ck off as I'd like to. I don't hate him (but I'm smart enough to know that just about anyone else would in my position). I feel something for him. Not pity. I empathize with his problems. But by the grace of fate/God/whatever you believe in, that could've been me. We were so similar; maybe that's part of why I can't have hatred for him. But knowing me, that would only make the self hatred all the more easy. I don't know.

I'm so sick of all this. The predictably dull routine that is now my life. I hate working my ass off 8-13 hours a day and not being recognized for it. I hate my job and I hate that I can't afford not to just quit. The economy's bad; I'm lucky to have a job. But I almost think I'd rather be jobless than putting up with half the sh*t I put up with on the daily. Job searcing is such a pain. And employers like this know it. That's why they're perfectly fine with treating employees like scum. I think the other thing that bothers me is my job serves no good purpose. I'm not helping anyone in any significant way. It's silly to think I ever could if I stay here. I'm looking to make some changes, once I find a new job and apartment that is. I know better than to do what I did last time; just quit "knowing" that someone with my qualifications could find something better. I'm going to find that something else first and get hired and then I can quit. I've just had it.

From coast to coast. I'll be seeing more of the US in the next few months than I've seen in the last few years. I'm mostly excited. Kind of scared shitless.

Relationships. I'm in a tricky place now. I don't like not knowing what to expect. I like to have all the cards on the table when I'm dealing with guys and in this case, I don't. I can't. And I won't. It's maddening and exciting. I think it may kill me. But I hope it won't. It's like riding a roller coaster or taking that corner on one wheel, or driving 150 on the freeway. Thrill seeking? Maybe. But that's life. We both disbelieve, but still kind of are entertained by astrology. I told him I wasn't typical of my sign at all (and I believe it at the time). Now I think I was a liar.

In the Aquarius woman, contradictions become inextricable. She makes a big issue out of love, but shows herself irregular in her love outbursts and attachments, for the simple reason that she can stand neither restrictions nor monotony. She also needs great exchanges of ideas and tastes in order to bloom - a love affair that doesn't stimulate her will surely cease to interest her. Actually, if she could succeed more often in knowing what she wants, her emotional life would be happier. She loves with sincerity - at least she believes she does. But she's so much afraid of loosing her freedom that when the day comes for an engagement, she finds a thousand pretexts to escape - though she may complain afterwards that she's very unlucky in love.

Being a single woman doesn't displease her, on the contrary! She intends to take full advantage of this situation because it allows her to preserve her precious freedom and at the same time not to suffer from loneliness. However, this kind of existence won't satisfy her indefinitely, and one day she'll set out to look for the one who'll establish profound complicity relations with her. Anyway, she'll always prefer free love to traditional marriage.

If that doesn't describe me to a T, I don't know what does.

*Claire Out*

Re: Re: Hey Joe

Looking at the post before last now makes me want to ask the question; when did I get to be such a drama queen? (Nobody answer that).

Things are okay now. Not perfect, but I know how they stand and my eggs are definitely not all in one basket. I think I was riding on that new crush adrenaline in the beginning, but now it's worn off and he's just a human being again (not sure if that makes sense...). So we'll see how things with Joe and I go. I don't have any expectations of him, which will make it all the easier for me when he inevitably effs up (as human beings in general, men in particular tend to do). Hmm, I just realized how pessimistic I sound. I guess the last 7 years of dating have worked a number on me after all, and that's not at all cool. Ce la vie, I guess.

*Claire out*

Pinche trabajo...

So for the past two weeks I've been training this new person. Let me stop for a moment to say that I love teaching. I actually used to want to teach for a living. Now it should go without saying that people that enjoy teaching generally have a great deal of patience, which is also true in my case only there's a slight disclaimer after that statement which reads "patience only granted to those actually WILLING to be taught. Other persons will be left to make a fool of themselves and then subsequently dressed down afterward."

I think it's pretty obvious what I'm setting up here, but let's just indulge the story telling part of my brain for a moment longer, shall we? Now, this person I'm training is older than me by at least 2 decades. Nothing wrong with that, I actually get along better with people older than me. But, she's one of those people that thinks working a long time in some other place automatically means she knows everything here when nothing could be further from the truth.

She doesn't want to be shown what to do; she wants to try to figure it out for herself. That'd be fine if she actually managed to do it, but she hasn't so far. Ten minutes after I offer to show her something and she turns the offer down, I hear her croak "Claaaaiiiirrre, I don't how to ---" or "Claaaaiirreee, I think I broke the ---" or "What does ----mean Claaaaiiiirreee?" and I have to somehow swallow my irritation (and why lie, just the tiniest hint of smug satisfaction) and civilly explain to her that if she actually listened when things were explained to her, she wouldn't need to keep me from doing MY work. THe first time I did this, she threw a little snit fit about attitude she felt I was giving her (hah, she hasn't seen attitude from me yet). I just looked at her and said, "If you don't like it, nobody's stopping you. There's the door." That shut her the eff up.

I've been doing double work every day I work with her because she can't get it through her thick, skull that a 20-something year old that's been in the position she's currently training in for over EIGHT MONTHS actually knows the job better than she does, and it pisses me the frick off. I swear to God, if I have to hear "well at my old job blah blah blah" one more gol'dang time, I'm going to karate chop her in the necks. Heh. Not really, but boy does it ever feel better to rant here.

Re: Hey Joe

..."if it ain't the four letter "l" word, it can't hurt to see what's up. At least that's what I'm hoping. "

Looks like I was wrong. Big surprise. God, do I ever feel like a moron for even wanting to believe in it/him/anything.

I'm just going to consider it a crappy lesson learned.

*end of transmission*

"Hey Joe"

No, not you Joe sixpack. I'm never going to want to talk to you. I'm feeling in the mood for Hendrix now.



Kinda makes me really want to buy myself a hookah. Hmm.

So it's a whole new world. Or maybe it just feels that way. It's amazing to me what's happened in the last few days. I'm don't think I've ever been more proud to be an American. I'm not going to get into politics or anything but I will say that I am curious to see what our new president has in store for us. As Ella would say, "Obamanos", heh.

Relationship wise, there ain't a whole lot going on in the western front. Or the eastern front. Or any other front in my life that doesn't have to do with work. I should know by now to listen to my gut instinct. Only thing is my gut's saying "maybe". WTF. I'm out of my comfort zone, that's for sure but I'm doing okay. It's good for me to test myself every once in a while...I think. Whatever it is, I don't think it's that four letter word. Maybe lust if anything. Isn't there a window of time after you break up with someone when you're allowed a rebound guy? I wonder if a year's too late...heh. Ah screw it, I'm curious, so I'm going to stick it out. If it ain't the four letter "l" word, it can't hurt to see what's up. At least that's what I'm hoping.

*Claire out*

2.6 Days

That's how much music there is on my Ipod right now. I'm shocked...and amused because I know all my music isn't on there yet.

I'm feeling sick and I've got a lot on my mind so this post is going to be bullet points. Or that's what I think now. We'll see what happens.

November fourth is right around the corner. I've already voted. Despite the pessimist in me, I want to believe my vote and others will count. That we don't have a repeat of last elections fiasco.

Halloween was...a long night. I learned a valuable lesson. Several in fact.

Speaking of lessons learned, I think I've a bad habit of falling hard for someone and then somewhere along the line, dropping them like undies on prom night. I've been talking to someone the last few days and well...it's gotten to the point where I actually have to think of something to say. I don't think it's my fault or his. Maybe the chemistry isn't exactly right. It sucks, because this was something that made me so happy in the beginning and now I just feel disappointment. But maybe I'm subconsciously sabotaging this. God knows, it wouldn't be the first time. He's a good guy; smart, funny, into music, all that good stuff. Maybe he's too close to what I'm looking for. Maybe what I'm suffering from is a touch of committment-itis. Or maybe I'm overthinking everything as usual. Hah.

I think I'm going to "tough it out". I'm not a complete idiot; the guy has to have something going for him if I liked him so much 2 weeks ago. And anyway, it'll be good for me to be relationship minded a while longer. I think I've been having waaaay too much fun being independent, er, single.

The Revolutionist I.

I'm going to bold the ones I agree with.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 18 - Water Carrier

Archetype: The revolutionist. You are the one who your friend's parents' warned them about. You are always looking for a creative, unique way to do things. You tend to bring about unpredictable change and there is never a dull moment when you are around.


Stone: Turquoise: The name comes from the French "turquoise", which means " Turkey " as in the original localities in Iran . Since before 4000 BC it has been used and coveted. It can be pure in color or may contain secondary minerals. If the matrix forms a pattern of interlocking polygons it is called "spider-web" turquoise.


Ruling Planet: Uranus:Uranus represents a revolution, rebellion, electrifying energy, sudden changes, independence and the freedom to experience the new. As such, it symbolizes the destruction of the old, the brushing aside of experience and tradition. Therefore, Uranus stands for originality, reforms, advanced technology and revolutionary processes. The influence of Uranus can symbolize change in our lives, which can provide for new freedoms, as well as unique experiences and purpose.


In mythology, Uranus was a god in the sky and the father of Saturn, whom he created with Gaea, the goddess of Earth. A third of the children she gave birth to were ugly monsters. In hatred of these monsters Kronos/Saturn unmanned his father and freed the band of Uranides, enabling them to appear in the real world. Uranus seems to originate and create out of nothing.

Defining Symbol: Water Carrier: This symbol represents the Gods nourishing the earth with life giving energies. One of the first to be called the water bearer was the Greek God Zeus in mythology.

Health Problems: Aquarius governs the legs from the knees to the ankles as well as blood circulations. You may have problems with the knees and ankles such as cramping, spasms, and nervous complaints. There is large emphasis for you on your heart so it is important to take extra good care by eating right and exercising.

You are likely drawn to holistic medicine and alternative health practises. Dance and aerobics are great forms of exercise for you. You also enjoy swimming or any type of individual sport over a large team sport.

About Aquarians: Aquarians have strong and attractive personalities. You fall into two principle types: one is shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of your character under a cloak of playfulness. Both types are strong willed and forceful in different ways and have strong convictions, though as you seek truth above all things, you are usually honest enough to change your opinions, however firmly held, if evidence comes to light which persuades you that you are wrong. You have vision that brings diverse factors into a whole and can see both sides of an argument without trying to decide which side to take. You are unprejudiced and tolerant of other points of view. This is because you can see the validity of an argument, even if you do not accept it yourself. You believe in being open to truth, from whatever source it comes, and are prepared to learn from everyone.

Both types are humane, frank, serious minded, refined, and idealistic with a sensible practicality. You are quick, active and persevering without being self-assertive and express yourself with reason, moderation and sometimes a dry humor. You are almost always intelligent, concise, clear, and logical. You may be strongly imaginative and psychically intuitive. You may need to retire from the world at times and become a temporary loner. You appreciate opportunities for meditation. Even in company you are fiercely independent, refusing to follow the crowd. You dislike interference by others, however helpfully intended, and will accept it only on your own terms. Normally you have good taste in drama, music and art, and are also gifted in the arts, especially drama.

Among the faults, you can be fanatically eccentric, egotistic, excessively detached, and extremely rigid in your opinions. You can be a threat or a great benefit for humanity in general. You may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness, or a threatening silence is also characteristic. This can also reveal itself in a sustained hatred for enemies that is capable of enlarging itself into distrust toward the whole of mankind.

Love and Friendship: In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality, and your desire to help humanity, you do not make friends easily. You sometimes appear condescending to others and not bother getting to know people who do not appeal to you. You do not give of yourself easily - perhaps your judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes perceived as cold. Once you decide that someone is worthy of friendship or love, you can exert almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will become a stubborn friend or lover, ready to sacrifice everything for your partner and be faithful to them for life. However, you are sometimes disappointed emotionally because your own high personal ideals cause you to demand more than is reasonable. If you are deceived you anger is terrible and if disappointed you do not forgive.

Career: Aquarians works best in group projects, provided that you are recognized as having a leading part in them. You have a feeling of unity with nature and a desire for knowledge and truth that makes you admirable scientists. The more psychic among them possess healing gifts, especially in curing the mentally sick.

You need to be able to work independently without any restrictions on how you get the job done. You don't appreciate interference from others and would prefer not to be disturbed when you get working - that is, if you can stop chatting with everyone in the office. You prefer work that is challenging and that provides some mental stimulation.

Aquarius Cosmic Strengths
• Logical
• Inventive
• Altruistic
• Rebellious
• Persistent
• Friendly
• Honest
• Loyal
• Independent
• Humanity
• Intuition

Aquarius Cosmic Weaknesses
• Unpredictable
• Rigid
• Unreliable
• Eccentric
• Unemotional
• Detached

♥ ♥ ♥

It's been a long time coming. But I think it's time for me to get back in the saddle.

Hmm. I wonder if this is in any way like riding a bicylce...?

Tricks and Treats.

In November, I plan on getting my first tattoo.

This is a huge deal for me. I made my design in less than a day and I'm happy with it. If I ever change my mind (which I very seriously doubt is ever possible) it's going to be in a place where I can't really get tired of seeing it and where it won't get me into trouble when it comes time to applying for real jobs. Which unfortunately, kills my original desire to get my tattoo on my left wrist or the back of my neck =( Instead I chose to get it on my lower back (I'm thinking less pain back there anyway) and then I remembered a little something that I'd like to reference using Wikipedia:

Beginning in the late 1990s the lower back tattoo became popular, especially among young women. Lower back tattoos are often oblong in shape, following the slope of the back on either side of the woman's spine. The lower back tattoo is body decoration, sometimes intended to emphasize sexual attractiveness. Generally, a lower back tattoo will be designed to emphasize the shape and curvature of the female figure.

While such tattoos have become popular in recent years, in many parts of the world, they are sometimes derided as suggestive of promiscuity or as associated with Raunch Culture.[1] In the United States, they have been pejoratively referred to as "tramp stamps", "California license plates", or "bullseye,"[2] and in Australia as "arse antlers".[3]

I won't lie; I like the idea of it being a California License Plate. But a tramp stamp!?! Come on; that's so hardly ever me, LOL.

Here's where I got my inspiration:



Once I actually get it done, I'll post pics here =)

I'm tired...

of being the one who picks up the slack. When's my turn to talk all day on the phone while everyone else gets all the work done? Why can't I get paid to talk to my boyfriend at work? Why can't I fix my schedule so that I only close the nights I prefer to close?

I'm so over this. Correction. I'm so over everything.

Right now, I'm at the vanishing point of no return (Yeah, I know: way to mix my literary/pop culture references). There was a moment today when I looked up from a stack of emails from my boss' boss, looked my boss dead in the eye, smiled and said "I fucking can't take this any more" or that's what I was thinking anyway. I didn't wind up saying anything but I can see it happening one day. It took years for my old job to do this to me. Guess I'm losing my ability to tolerate bullshit as I get older. To quote Sunlight Gardener, "Can I get an Amen?" heh. I'm not looking forward to the drama, but I know I'll enjoy the actual quitting part.

*~*End of transmission*

Operation Mindfuck: 2.0

As if one ex in the city wasn't bad enough. I ran into the first (the Original) one today. I'm not sure what I even felt other than surprise and that "oh God, please don't stop and talk to me, maybe if I smile vaguely in your direction without really making eye contact you won't recognize the girl you dated for 4+ years" Hah. Talk about awkward. And then (stupid me) I made the mistake of telling my family who was with me, whih only made my mom call out in a loud voice, "Who? Where's your ex? 'Jo-Bob*!?" As Stephen King would say, "Fuck a duck". The man upstairs has got one twisted sense of humor. Hah.

*~*Claire over and Out*~*

*name has obviously been changed to protect the anything but innocent unworthy sonuvabitch.

Ten to One

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people:

1. As blase as I may act when we cross paths, a part of me dies every time I see you.
2. Call me Baby one more time and I will kick your ass.
3. I just won the lottery, so f*ck this place and f*ck you.
4. I think I'm sorry I didn't turn out the way you wanted...sometimes anyway.
5. You just love to hear yourself talk, don't you?
6. Lie down with dogs and of course you're going to get up with fleas.
7. I'm flattered...but you're realllly not my type.
8. I'm here whenever you need me.
9. Let's move out of this dump and start a new life together!
10. I think I'm in love with you.

Nine things about me:

1. I'm contrary.
2. I am sarcastic pretty much all of the time
3. I live for music
4. When bored, I'll affect an accent (usually English, though sometimes Australian or German).
5. I'm a fast reader.
6. I plan on learning at least three more languages in my lifetime (ASL, French, and Japanese)
7. I'm spontaneous
8. I'm a brilliant housekeeper and baker
9. I hate when people buy CDs or DVDs and leave pieces of the sticky plastic on them. One of my odd pet peeves

Eight things to win my heart:

1. Make me laugh.
2. Make me think.
3. Be a humanitarian.
4. Kiss me in the rain. I'll never admit it, but I like that cheesy stuff every once in a while.
5. Know when and how to really listen. Sometimes what I'm really trying to say is stubborn coming out and will get hidden beneath bluster and bullsh*t.
6. Get over yourself. I tend to poke fun at those I care about and if you can't take harmless ribbing in the manner it's intended, good day to you.
7. Make me always want to reach higher. I know some people enter a relationship with ambitions but slow them down at the request of their partner. I can tell you now, I'll never be happy resting on my laurels and I'll probably resent the man that ever put me in that position.
8. Love the eccentricities of my family. Yes, they're all raving maniacs but I'm stuck with them. I'm not saying you can't laugh at them (God knows I do) just tolerate them. Five thousand bonus points if you manage to get in my mom's good graces.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. I got to get out of this backwoods town...
2. Traffic sucks.
3. One of these days, that lamp is going to succeed in electrocuting me to death.
4. The Smashing pumpkins are pretty f*ckin' awesome.
5. There's way too much crap on TV
6. I love Stephen Colbert + John Stewart
7. I really should apply somewhere else where my talents could be better appreciated.

Six things you do before you fall asleep:

1. Mentally make a list of what I need to do the next day
2. If working or going out, I visualize what I'm going to wear the next day
3. Read or write
4. Set my crappy alarm.
5. Throw the covers off of the bed. I can't sleep if I get too hot.
6. Shower, brush my teeth, etc

Five people who mean a lot:

1. Mom
2. Grandparents
3. Brother
4. Sister
5. Cheryl

Four things you're wearing right now:

1. a blue sports bra
2. three earrings
3. a pair of my super comfy gym shorts
4. Old loose T-shirt for sleeping

Three songs you listen to often:

Hard to pick *just* three but here're the songs of now:

1. "Hate This & I'll Love You" by Muse
2. "Zero" by The Smashing Pumpkins
3. "Wreckless Love" by Alicia Keys


Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Tour Europe and South America
2. Be deliriously happy!

One confession:

1. I hate myself for thinking it, but sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to never be able to stay in a relationship because maybe I sabotage myself while I'm in one or possibly because I put myself in relationships that I know will fall apart...

Operation Mindfuck.

Each and every night for the past 2 weeks, I dream of one of two things:

1. Work. Dear God, the horror. As if it's not bad enough I'm there 6 days a week 9 hours a frickin' day.

2. The ex. Me and him together as if nothing ever happened. It's maddening. In last night's dream, I was pregnant. I have no words for hard these have been.

I think I'm being punished for something in the most horrible of ways.

Updates

I haven't been on this thing in a while. How's everyone? Well I hope. Better than I'm feeling right now at least. I've got a cold/sore throat/migraine thing going on that I hope is allergy related because I reallllly don't want to go to the doctor. Blech.

So what's been going on the past month or so? Well, on this side of everything, not much; mostly work. I went to a really huge music festival in the capital and had a blast and a half (I'm going to have to post more aboout that on a day where just thinking about USB cords doesn't make my eyebrow twitch, hah).

I had the most detailed dream about running into the ex while grocery shoppping with my little brother and sister. I'm croched down getting eggs and I look up and there he is with a sheepish smile on my face. It was one of those "this could be how things were now, if you would let him talk to you and apologize" but I don't want to go there with him.

Right?

Right?


Right.

Funny thing is, I woke up at the end of the dream feeling so content. Definitely my brain's way of saying "What if?" and I really don't appreciate it. It's not like it's going to work though, because I've learned my lesson by now. I won't let myself go through this again with him, or anyone else.

Right?


Right?

God I really truly hope so.

*end of transmission*

Pennyroyal Tea.

Finally got a new laptop for an insane price: $400. Frickin' sweet. I had to save up for it for 4 weeks on my crappy pay. Speaking of which, work sucks ass. And for once, I can't blame the customers. It's the people I work with. I've become the one to clean up everyone's mistakes and I hate it. My health is borderline again. Probably a lot of that has to do with work.

On the flip side, I have 5 times what I had the last time I posted ($200) and a $175 bill to pay. *siggghs* Being the working poor, for the record, blows.

I came on here planning on spilling my guts but I'm having trouble making that happen. *takes a deep breath*

Come on Claire.

So, I accidentally on purpose texted he who must never be named. It was an accident but after I realized it, I just didn't care. I was trying to text someone with a name similar to his about a bet we have going on the Olympics. He of course had no idea what the text was about and so he texts me back saying WTF? I apologize and he writes back that it was okay. "Mistakes happen." Now what the fuck does that mean? Was he referring to the incident that day? The incident that led to our parting of the ways? Something else

The insufferable bastard. It's been bugging me for the last 24 hours. I'm probably overthinking this whole thing. And honestly, it shouldn't matter to me since I told myself I was forever done. But it does. I miss him. It'd be a lie to say I don't. I don't think about him every 10 minutes like I used to and sometimes a day goes by where I won't think of him at all (which makes me both sad and happy). I don't want to have to make the move to fix this though. I've done it so many times and every time I've apologized for something I wasn't really sorry about or for something I didn't do, I've died a little inside. Which is why I put my foot down all those months ago. This is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do, but it reassures me at the same time. That I'm my own person (I already knew that, but it never hurts to have that extra reassurance) and that I can step away from someone I really love if I know it's harmful to myself.

Ugh. All this angsty posting is making me thirsty. And tired. I just want to sleep 5 years and wake up well adjusted and fully capable of handling every situation. I don't want to want things I know I shouldn't.

I don't, I don't, I don't.

...

Maybe if I say it enough times, I'll actually start to believe it.



*~*End of Transmission*~*

No Rain.

It's been a helluva month so far. My sister got attacked by a pit bull while walking our dogs about 4 days ago, but of course being my sister, she gave as good as one of the dogs wound up getting. Good news is the little dog is recovering very nicely and is going into the vet this morning to get checked out. The other dog is traumatized and got choked a little during (their leashes are linked together, so when the pit bull was biting the heck out of the little one, poor Lex was stuck there, choking).

Oh, just figured out that I have exactly $40 to my name to last me the next week. Hah. I can't wait until I don't have to worry about money or rent any more (and God I hope that really will eventually happen). Until then, mmm, ramen noodles.

June Bugs

Well, I just got home from work because I sent myself home early. Q: Why? A: I've got a bad case of food poisoning...or an impostor illness. Needless to say, I feel like hell.

Wow time's really going by fast now that school's out. What else have I been up to this month? Umm, I took the kiddos to Six Flags, which was an expensive entertaining time for all, heh. Traveled a lot. Played FFXII...and that's pretty much it. Oh, I'm off the wagon with my vegan kick, but I'm going to get right back on...eventually. Maybe I'll just go vegetarian instead of all out vegan. I'm going to miss ice cream too much. I've got two dogs staring at me waiting for me to make lunch so that's all for now.

Sex And The City Movie

For those who are fans of the show, the movie served to resolve a few questions.

Not going to leave any spoilers just now, but I will say I had mixed feelings on the couple that wound up breaking up in the end (I could see the justification behind it, but I really think it would have been character growth if they had stayed together). And very definite dislike for the couple that wound up together (I have my reasons).

High points of the movie: Samantha feeding her friend in need, Charlotte face after drinking shower water in Mexico, and the sushi incident. I give it an A, A-. The headliner is "Get Carried away" so for those who aren't huge fans of Sarah Jessica, be prepared because she gets an arseload of face+mole time, heh. Dialogue was an A (as usual). Some of the acting (sorry Jennifer Hudson) fell flat a bit, so that's a B+. The music was an A+. I very highly recommend it. All fans MUST see it (and it's rated R so no kiddies!! Yay!) Oh, and the shower scene in Mexico was an A++. Rowr. I don't know what that actor's name was but he was delish.

*~*Claire Out*~*

Got tagged for this on another journal site. Here goes.

Do you think you can get through it without answering "I don't know"?
If I want to


Are you involved with anyone?
Define "involved" because I think there's a lot of grey area there

Where do you wish you were right now?
Belgium.

What should you be doing right now?
Nothing really...I was thinking about baking a dessert for tomorrow

Does sex mean love?
not usually.


Are you a bad influence?
Meh. Not really. I'm not going to tell you to do the things I do, but I won't lie and say I haven't done certain things either.


Who has had the most influence on you (good or bad)?
I don't think anyone gets that much credit. I've never tried to shape myself to be anyone other than myself.


Night out or night in?
Depends. With friends night out, with a special friend, night in *winks*



What is your favorite game?
Final Fantasy X!! I'm such a nerd when it comes to that game...


Your favorite book?
Used to be The Outsiders, then Ender's Game, but right now it's Gone Too Far by Suzanne Brockmann. MMmmm, Sam Starrett


Do you know how to change a tire?
I watched my dad explain it, not sure it all sunk in properly, but I imagine a lot of it is common sense. You put the wedge behind the tire so your car can't roll away when you jack it up, take off all the silver hardware things and replace the tire. And if that doesn't work, call Roadside Service

What item could you not go without during the day?
the Ipod. Apple, you clever sons of bitches...


Would you share a drink with a stranger?
And get the herpes? I think not.


In the past week have you gotten kissed?
have you breathed oxygen?


How long ago did you hug someone?
Iwww. I don't hug. JK...about an hour ago


Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
Nope. But I kinda want to throw Hannah's up there right now...or, you know, Hannah herself


Need to get something off your chest?
Nah. I'm very much the "internalize everything" girl. A very tiny percentage of what I need to get off my chest goes into this blog, the rest stays inside.


How do you feel about your life right now?
It's life. Was pissy about missing Green Day, but I'm over it now.


How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
twice. Damn speeding tickets


Anyone upset you lately?
not so much upset as irritate.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
my lil sis

Can you easily tell if someone's fake?
Oh yeah. I've got a fine tuned radar for that kind of thing


Do you think your dumb?
I've taken the IQ tests; I know I'm not. I have my blonde moments though


What could be done to make things better for you?
Lots of things. 1st all idiot drivers must be immediately eliminated, 2nd 150% salary increase, 3rd all my ex boyfriends are exported to Australia so that I don't have to worry about running into them all of the time


Do you love someone at the moment?
Sure, why not


How's your heart?
Am I supposed to answer broken or something? It's fine. Still ticking, thanks


Are you happy with your living arrangements?
Don't. Get. Me. STARTED. >.<


Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Sure would and have


Have you ever seen a dead body?
at a funeral

How long do you think you will live?
hopefully long enough to accomplish the things I want to accomplish


What was the first thing you did this morning?
turned on the radio, heh


Do you drink lots of water?
nope. not unless you count Crystal light as water...which technically it is


What toothpaste do you use?
Crest, Colgate, whatever's on sale

How do you vent your anger?
Talk to my mom, clean the house with rock music turned up loud, lol


What are you doing this weekend?
the weekend's over dude. The one coming up, I'm going to watch the Sex and the City movie and work probably.

What theme does your room have?
uh, retro French pastiche...? I forget the exact wording

Are you a mommy's child or a daddy's child?
that first one


Would you ever join the military?
That would be hilarity. I don't think I'd make it past day one of being given orders, made to follow rules, and have people yelling and swearing at me before I started yelling and swearin' back, lol.


The last website you visited?
yourmom.com


Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Alexus

Last person you went to the movies with?
lil bro + lil sis

Is anything alive in your room?
that's kind of a disturbing question. just me.

What are you looking forward to right now?
nothing really. Tuesday I guess

Do you throw up gang signs?
Of course not; you're not supposed to eat those silly, that's why they make you throw up. Hahaha.

Ahem.

It's still no.


Would you rather be a guy or a girl?
5/6ths of the time I say a girl...


Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
Dammit, I hate these kinds of questions. Money comes and goes so the second one I guess *grumbles*


How many proms have you been to in your life?
One and a half


What are you thinking about right now?
wouldn't you like to know, heh.

Relief...a sensation so good you can taste it.

Mmm. Tastes like tofurky, LOL.

I was so relieved when I finished talking to my doctor, I almost hugged her, lol. I'm going to be all right. It's going to take a few days for this to get out of my system, and then a couple more for me to topple the anemia, and then I'll be 100% back.

Oh, one other good thing's happened to me: Firefly!! Friend picked me up the series for $20 and the movie for $10. Woot^10000000 power. Also got the Heathers. Which was in my top ten favorite movies when I was a kid (explains a lot, ne?).

Claire is seriously in love with life right now.

*end of transmission*

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

THE GOOD: It started out with me wanting to be more environmentally friendly and then it turned to me going organic. A couple of days after that, and I'm a vegan. No meat, no dairy. Just tofu, veggies, tofu, and oh yeah, did I mention tofu? So far, so good. Whole Foods has all the stuff I need and awesome staff (the hippies of today are awesome). I feel like I have more energy than I used to.

THE "BAD": I do get hungry a bit more often though, so I bought some healthy snacks. We'll see how long this lasts though, cause going vegan ain't cheap.



THE UGLY: On a totally unrelated note, I'm going to reference a post I made on May 15 in 2005. I think that condition I had then may be back. I won't lie, I'm scared, but I'm going to try to schedule an appointment tomorrow. I don't want it to be back. I don't. I've got a job that while it may not be as rewarding as I'd like, at least allows me to use my creativity, which I like. I can afford to eat non Ramen foods now! I could, potentially, become debt free!! Tch. Figures.

Well, in typical Claire fashion, I'm not going to really say anything to anyone until I know for sure. And even once I do, in typical Claire fashion I won't be able to handle sympathy (please don't think that's a plea for more sympathy if you're reading this; I really can't). I appreciate it, but it just makes me feel like an incompetent jackass (one of these days, I'll get on a couch and have a shrink make sense of that) so please don't let your feelings be hurt if I ignore it make light of it, or if I'm terse. This just feels so surreal to me; like I'm watching this in a movie or something. I'm scared, but emotionally speaking, I'm not fully invested. Almost sounds like shock, but I don't think it is. Well, either way, it's late (or is it early?) and I have to be up in a few hours. Knock on wood for me.

*~*Claire Out*~*

Wasting Time...

I'm so tired I can't sleep. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. Anyway, just killing some time so I don't wind up screaming my head off ...

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Claire Al Fuego...

Let me set the scene.

Five a.m.

You just finally nodded off to sleep four hours ago. You're abruptly jerked from REM sleep by a shrill noise. For a moment, you think it's your alarm. Half asleep, you jump out of bed, looking to turn it off before it wakes everyone in the building up. It's not your clock alarm. It's the fire alarm. Your mind races and you find yourself wondering if you left the stove/oven on, or if you left a candle burning. No and no.

You decide your fire alarm has just gone wonky. You jump up on a chair and try to shut it off. No dice. By this point, you can hear people above you walking around; your alarm's woken them up. The thought crosses your mind, and then is quickly dismissed. You hear people walking past your door. It's not you. There's a fire somewhere else in the complex. The first thought to enter your mind after figuring that out? Damn. I better change my pajama top.

You change, grab your keys, your phone, your wallet, slide on some flip flops grab a blanket and leave, following the stream of people out of the building, the shrill screeching sound of the building's fire alarms still boring into your skull. Two hours, and three fire trucks later, as you sit on the curb outside of your apartment complex along with the huddled masses, freezing and tired, you realize you have to be at work at eight...which means you need to be dressed and on the road by 7:30. Shit.

The sun's risen. You're in shorts, flip flops, and a tank. There's no way in heck you could get away with wearing that at your job. And you don't have the numbers of any body that could come in and open for you. You're screwed.

7:20 rolls around; you finally get word that it's okay to go back inside. You get changed and you (somehow) make it to work on time, make it through the day...and wind up having your boss make you stay late, resetting tables, purging emails, talking to the district manager and other similar activities. It really sucks to be you...

Humor...kind of.

One of Murphy's lesser known laws:

The second you let yourself stop worrying over the possibility of running into an ex; you will inevitably run into them, usually when you most look like shit. *facepalms* That was the most uncomfortable four-way stoplight I've ever been at.

Work is good. It's a little weird bossing people old enough to be my parents around but I'm making it work. Staying positive and not letting my head swell (as if that's even possible). Staying caffeinated. Had a venti caramel frappucino with a double shot this morning and just a regular venti caramel frappucino about two hours ago. Either everything around me is going in super slow motion or I'm moving a whole lot faster, lol. Well, that's it for this update.

Auntie Em,
Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.
– Dorothy

...I'm a big kid now

So, for the last few weeks, my life has been crazy.

I quit my job in typical Claire fashion: i.e. I woke up one day and said 'fuck this shit; I'm not doing it any more' and went unemployed for a good 2-3 weeks. I was going crazy during that time. I read every single book in my apartment (and there are a LOT of them) at least twice, including the whole entire Harry Potter series and Jane Eyre. In that time I did a lot of thinking and decided that if, as a student, I'm forced to work a shitty retail job, I should at least get paid for it since I've got the mounds of experience under my belt. So I filled out some applications to be manager. My first interview was with Nautica (some kind of nautical apparel store. Don't ask me what that fad's all about 'cause I could not tell you...) and that was what I was talking about in a post a little while back. It went well. Could've gone better but I was a bit rusty (I haven't had to sell myself for a job in 5 years). I didn't get the position. A couple of weeks later, I move in with my parents (yeah, it was that bad). By that point, I'd nearly resigned myself to winding up like the comic book guy from the Simpsons'; a tubby loser and social pariah, but I got a call earrrrly one morning that turned it all around.

I am now employed as an asst. manager (which means I'm second in command to the store mngr.) at a kinda well known woman's apparel store (yay?). The good thing is, I'm doing a lot of the same things that I used to do back at my old job (boss people around, schedule breaks, calculate sales goals) but I'm making twice the money and working twice the hours. This is my eighth straight day working. Fucking A. My feet are not accustomed to shoes that aren't my Converses, New Balances, or flip-flops so they are bruised and swollen^infinite degree. Bad thing of course is that it's a 30 minute drive and that when some crazy person comes in and demands to speak to the manager, I get to deal with them. Which is going to be fun for me, cause I just love to do haughty disdain, heh.

You what's funny about living in tornado alley?

...

That's right, nothing, heh. We've been slammed with tornadoes lately. And to that I say a resounding Boo! We had a hail storm to beat all hail storms here last year and I lucked out because my car was parked in a friend's car port. About two nights ago while closing, my boss' fiancee calls to tell her that a severe thunderstorm with nickel-sized hail was headed our way. Lucky for me, my apartment complex has a garage. My mom called me at seven this morning telling me we were supposed to have a repeat today. It poured and my little car blew all over te highway but no hail (whew). By 10AM, it was 80 something degrees and sunny; nary a cloud in the sky. WTF?

Lastly, my good computer is on the fritz so I'm using my backup; so to all my forum/boards peeps, that's why I've been hitting and running, sorry! By the time the site loads, and I click on a topic and that loads, and I hit reply and that loads and I hit add reply and that loads at least five minutes have passed and Claire does not have the patience for that. So! I'll be back when my computer stops acting like a p.o.s.

So what have I learned from all this?

For one; that I can be wee bit impulsive. I've never thought of myself as the type when it comes to important stuff. I mean, I'm the kind of person who when she's on the highway, mentally calculates the likelihood of car C in the far right lane switching lanes and causing a collision if my car (car A) attempts to go around car B in the far left lane (and as crazy as that may sound, I'm proud to say I've had zero accidents in the 6-7 years I've been driving).

For two; the weather in this state is ridiculous. This state is ridiculous. I need to move...

It's 11. I have to go to bed so I can limp to work and open the store at 8 tomorrow. Good lord. I almost sound like a grown up don't I? Scary.

~Claire over and out~

Virgess Es

Now I remember why I stopped watching TV. It's the same reason why I rarely listen to the radio. Media today talks about the same thing, over and over, and it accomplishes nothing. I've been having a rough week to say the least, so I left my apartment to stay with my parents, visit friends, and during this time, I've been watching TV. Not just Adult Swim, but the news. Yeah I know, that's already where I screwed up.

I swear I can recite every Obama/Clinton sound byte word for effing word. I've been hearing the "what's your reaction to what he/she said?" and the "what's your reaction to his/her reaction?" crap so much I want to puke. Between the "shame on you Barrack Obama", and the "bitter" fiasco, to mispeaks on numerous occasions about Bosnia, to Bill Clinton being Bill Clinton cycled on all the major networks over and over and over is equal to me to having the back of your seat kicked while sitting in a movie theater. The first time it happens, you may think, 'well that was annoying' and then maybe it happens again and you think 'okay, it's too early to freak out, maybe I'll just turn around and give that person a look and it'll all stop' and then by then, the offender has built themself up to kicking your chair in a steady rhythm, slowly driving you to the brink of an outburst. That's where I am right now. I'm standing up in my seat at this point and saying "I've frickin' had it"; I'm so tired of politics and political parties.

It really makes me sick that the Democrats can't or won't frickin' realize they're tearing their party apart; both Clinton and Obama really need to keep in mind that the object is to beat McCain, and there's no way in hell that's going to happen if they keep splitting up the party between Obama and Clinton supporters. We all need to unite as "Pro-economy and anti-Bush". Right now, we have Democrats saying, "I'd rather vote for McCain than Hillary" and vice versa. It's pathetic and childish and it's really no freakin' wonder why we the people don't have an ounce of faith in our government.

Firefly

Finally got around to watching Firefly.

Wow. Just...wow.

All hail the awesomeness that is Joss Whedon. I'm just irritated that it took me so long. And now I finally understand the true meaning of "chain of command" LOL. Good times. Now I've just got to get my hands on the movie...

Counterjinxes...?

Thursday is the moment of truth. Or the day of truth. Whatever.

Something I've learned today is that two of the most beautiful words in the English language: salaried pay.

All ten fingers are crossed, my toes are crossed, I'm not going to jinx things by talking about them right now. Just wish me luck!!

Jinxes

I sometimes forget the little superstitions I have. Superstion numer uno is never say that thing they always say in movies when everything is going wrong...and then they say that thing (which I won't even say here) and something worse happens.

Numero dos is don't dwell on those bad things in the first place. I actually had a panic attack over them the other day. Which is not like me at all. *sigghs* I hate when I don't know what to do. I've prayed, taken a step back and tried to prepare for the consequences as best I can but a part of me finds all of that a waste of time and wants me to just let things happen. I know I can be self-defeating at times and I hate that but I know that it's just a defense mechanism.

...

At times like this, I miss the ex *facepalms* Lord, how stereotypically female can I get in one blog?

*Claire over and out*

Gotta Love the Irony

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but a month or so ago, I got approached by a woman from some company asking me to model clothes for their cataglog. I'm still not doing anything for them yet...which was fine because honestly, I don't know if I'm the type. Just when I decided to just forget it, I got a call yesterday from a representative from C modelling agency offering to pay for me to have a professional photo shoots if I agreed to work for them.

I can't believe it. I went through school with thick retro looking glasses and wearing hand me downs so I've never felt pretty. And now with all this brouhaha (I looove that word) from the modelling world...my life has just become so surreal to me.

The irony hasn't escaped me that lately I've been so worried about being shallow, superficial, apathetic towards real world concerns, and all of a sudden I'm sucked into the world that advocates just that, lol.

I think I'm going to take this as an experience to learn from, but I won't let it change or own me. At least I hope not. It's easy to say that now. I'm sure a lot of women my age have said that only to wind up dead from a chemical reaction to ex-lax, coke, and diet pills. All I can say for sure is I'm going to go in this with my sense of humor and underlying skepticism armed and at the ready.

The 'H' Word

I've been thinking a lot about my last post...which was written after somebody told me the dumbest, most inconsequential, shallow, juvenile bit of news I've ever heard in my life. At first, I was irritated and thinking, "how the hell am I supposed to give a crap about that when I have so many other things that matter on my mind" i.e. my sister, but then I thought about this kind of insensitivity on a large scale. And I just got so mad thinking of how we are obsessed with watching bullcrap "reality" shows like the "real" housewives of orange county, the materialistic obsession we have (and I admit I am guilty of this one at times) with getting the new and improved shiny new gadget, and how we have blatant apathy/antipathy towards the less fortunate; i.e. the homeless, mentally or terminally ill, the poverty stricken, etc.

As an empath (which is a blessing and curse I think) I've always had a problem with that. When I was in elementary school, I remember seeing a homeless man digging out of the garbage, asking my father about it, and being really upset. Later that week, I recruited my little brother into making care packages for the homeless with me. I don't remember what all we put in them (I remember putting in umbrella in there at least once) but I remember how happy it made me to put those little packages into the trash; because that's the only way I thought I could get it to them, heh.

I really want to do something huge to help people. I loved/admired/hero worshipped both Princess Diana and Mother Teresa when I was younger for all they did to help those in need. And I respect others who've managed to raise the public's consciousness (particularly Bono for raising $40 mill for AIDS research this week).

It's just funny how it hit me earlier; the memories of elementary school Claire writing notes to the homeless coupled with my volunteering through high school (feeding the homeless and I used to hang out with the elderly in a nursing home...which is uber depressing yet still rewarding in sense) and now I'm kind of the unofficial product (red) spokeswoman at work, lol. It's funny because I've been kind of freaked out for a while now trying to think what I want to do when I graduate, and now I think I have at least a general idea.

I know my mother's going to hate it for all the obvious reasons; it's going to be tough emotionally, my own health will be at risk, I'll be leaving the state and possibly the country, there's little monetary reward for it...but it's still something I want to do in the future. Me a humanitarian...who would've guessed?

Hey! A PSA!!

If there's anything I've learned since Thursday, it's that life's got a funny way of lulling you into this false sense of security so that you forget about all about this little thing called mortality. You hear someone you've known and loved all their life is going to die-not eventually in 40-50 years, but probably fucking soon-and your first thought is 'No they're not. That's not fair.' And once you're done denying the 'undeniable', bargaining etc., you go into the anger phase...which is where I am now.

Where I'm standing right now, all the paltry, adolescent, minidrama garbage people are bitching about right now-and even the stuff I was concerned about before Thursday-means zilch. And the fact that in the face of real tragedies-poverty, famine, death, disease-people are abso-fucking-lutely apathetic makes me sick to my stomach. How are so many people completely oblivious to the suffering of others? It boggles my mind. This country, no this world, would be a much better place if these people could remove their heads from their asses and give a shit about someone else for a change.

At first I was going to say to the people this refers to: go fuck yourselves, and to everybody else: cheers, long life, and may God bless you with many non-self absorbed children, but instead I'll say to the first lot, fix yourself for God's sakes. You're the one who's messed up, not the people who refuse to cater to your self absorbed neuroses.

The PSA in this? Care about your fellow man. And don't poke the bear. [/PSA]

{note: this blog was copied from another site}

Shock to the System

I think I was probably in a state of shock when I wrote my last post...namely because I don't remember putting it up. I must have wrote it right after I woke up and got the phone call.

I spent Thursday around noon through midnight today with my sister and my mother which was...interesting. Some of you may find this hard to believe, but at home I'm lil miss "Look on the Bright Side" and "laugh in the face of tragedy" gal. Heh. I always forget how hard it is; to turn my negative emotions off and fake it. But you gotta do what you gotta do right?

I feel better because she feels better-well, she's not hiding under her covers any more at least, so I say mission accomplished. She's going to see a specialist some time this week so we'll have some more information on her prognosis and etc.

Haven't told anyone but my boss about this so far...not sure why. Well, that's bull. Haven't said anything because I've never been one to want to be in the spotlight for something negative. That and people stressing over me makes me anxious...heh. I think that comes from my mother's germ vendetta. That probably wasn't the word I was looking for, but let me give an example:

Me: *sneeze*
Mom: O.o Holy sh*t Claire, why aren't you wearing slippers and a robe with your PJs!? You know you're immuno compromised! The flu will kill you!! *sprays thick cloud of Lysol around the house* Here, take some NyQuil, and this Sudafed because I heard you cough for two whole seconds last night. All right, now I'm going to rub some Vicks Vapor rub on your chest. Do you want me to plug in your humidifier?

I wish to god that that was an exaggeration...

Anyway, I'm trying to study for a Spanish 4 exam I have tomorrow which I'm only about 60% prepared for. Dammit. FYI: Present, past, and imperfect subjunctive=evil! Grrr.

The Diagnosis

Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE or lupus) is a chronic autoimmune
disease that can be fatal, though with recent medical advances, fatalities
are becoming increasingly rare. As with other autoimmune diseases, the immune
system attacks the body’s cells and tissue, resulting in inflammation and
tissue damage. SLE can affect any part of the body, but most often harms the heart, joints, skin, lungs, blood vessels, liver, kidneys and nervous
system. The course of the disease is unpredictable, with periods of illness
(called flares) alternating with remission. Lupus can occur at any age, and is
most common in women, particularly of non-European descent.[1]
Lupus is treatable symptomatically,
mainly with corticosteroids and immunosuppressants,
though there is currently no cure. However, many people with Lupus lead long and
substantial lives.

So...

Yeah it's been a long time. What can I say? My memory blows.

At a time in my life where I'm really examining some of the choices I've made most difficult of which is am I in college because I want to be or because I feel I ought to be? Hmmm.

Relationship wise my life is crap. I fucking hate anything with a penis. God. And the worst part is, if he was to knock on my door right now and ask me to come back, I would. After all that's happened you'd think I have the strength to say, "No! I'm tired of being your crutch. You use me when you're broken down and then when you're having a good day or two, I'm supposed to be okay with being given the brush off!? Fuck that and fuck you." Hah. I'd kill to be able to say that to him. Whatever.

My sister's been sick. Waiting for lab results. I'm not the kind to blab about something until I know for sure one way or another though (that's me being superstitious) so I'm not going to get into it. I'm just going to keep my finger crossed and hope for the best.

What else has happened in the past year or so? Oh, got into a car accident and got a concussion there, fell on some stairs and got a bad concussion there...lol. So my brain's undergone some serious trauma, which is what I'm going to blame any forgetfulness and/or flakiness on.

And on that note, I hope to update this sometime soon.

*Claire out*