The ex is bothering me. I feel horrible about it. I can't tell him to f*ck off as I'd like to. I don't hate him (but I'm smart enough to know that just about anyone else would in my position). I feel something for him. Not pity. I empathize with his problems. But by the grace of fate/God/whatever you believe in, that could've been me. We were so similar; maybe that's part of why I can't have hatred for him. But knowing me, that would only make the self hatred all the more easy. I don't know.
I'm so sick of all this. The predictably dull routine that is now my life. I hate working my ass off 8-13 hours a day and not being recognized for it. I hate my job and I hate that I can't afford not to just quit. The economy's bad; I'm lucky to have a job. But I almost think I'd rather be jobless than putting up with half the sh*t I put up with on the daily. Job searcing is such a pain. And employers like this know it. That's why they're perfectly fine with treating employees like scum. I think the other thing that bothers me is my job serves no good purpose. I'm not helping anyone in any significant way. It's silly to think I ever could if I stay here. I'm looking to make some changes, once I find a new job and apartment that is. I know better than to do what I did last time; just quit "knowing" that someone with my qualifications could find something better. I'm going to find that something else first and get hired and then I can quit. I've just had it.
From coast to coast. I'll be seeing more of the US in the next few months than I've seen in the last few years. I'm mostly excited. Kind of scared shitless.
Relationships. I'm in a tricky place now. I don't like not knowing what to expect. I like to have all the cards on the table when I'm dealing with guys and in this case, I don't. I can't. And I won't. It's maddening and exciting. I think it may kill me. But I hope it won't. It's like riding a roller coaster or taking that corner on one wheel, or driving 150 on the freeway. Thrill seeking? Maybe. But that's life. We both disbelieve, but still kind of are entertained by astrology. I told him I wasn't typical of my sign at all (and I believe it at the time). Now I think I was a liar.
In the Aquarius woman, contradictions become inextricable. She makes a big issue out of love, but shows herself irregular in her love outbursts and attachments, for the simple reason that she can stand neither restrictions nor monotony. She also needs great exchanges of ideas and tastes in order to bloom - a love affair that doesn't stimulate her will surely cease to interest her. Actually, if she could succeed more often in knowing what she wants, her emotional life would be happier. She loves with sincerity - at least she believes she does. But she's so much afraid of loosing her freedom that when the day comes for an engagement, she finds a thousand pretexts to escape - though she may complain afterwards that she's very unlucky in love.
Being a single woman doesn't displease her, on the contrary! She intends to take full advantage of this situation because it allows her to preserve her precious freedom and at the same time not to suffer from loneliness. However, this kind of existence won't satisfy her indefinitely, and one day she'll set out to look for the one who'll establish profound complicity relations with her. Anyway, she'll always prefer free love to traditional marriage.
If that doesn't describe me to a T, I don't know what does.
*Claire Out*
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