The 'H' Word

I've been thinking a lot about my last post...which was written after somebody told me the dumbest, most inconsequential, shallow, juvenile bit of news I've ever heard in my life. At first, I was irritated and thinking, "how the hell am I supposed to give a crap about that when I have so many other things that matter on my mind" i.e. my sister, but then I thought about this kind of insensitivity on a large scale. And I just got so mad thinking of how we are obsessed with watching bullcrap "reality" shows like the "real" housewives of orange county, the materialistic obsession we have (and I admit I am guilty of this one at times) with getting the new and improved shiny new gadget, and how we have blatant apathy/antipathy towards the less fortunate; i.e. the homeless, mentally or terminally ill, the poverty stricken, etc.

As an empath (which is a blessing and curse I think) I've always had a problem with that. When I was in elementary school, I remember seeing a homeless man digging out of the garbage, asking my father about it, and being really upset. Later that week, I recruited my little brother into making care packages for the homeless with me. I don't remember what all we put in them (I remember putting in umbrella in there at least once) but I remember how happy it made me to put those little packages into the trash; because that's the only way I thought I could get it to them, heh.

I really want to do something huge to help people. I loved/admired/hero worshipped both Princess Diana and Mother Teresa when I was younger for all they did to help those in need. And I respect others who've managed to raise the public's consciousness (particularly Bono for raising $40 mill for AIDS research this week).

It's just funny how it hit me earlier; the memories of elementary school Claire writing notes to the homeless coupled with my volunteering through high school (feeding the homeless and I used to hang out with the elderly in a nursing home...which is uber depressing yet still rewarding in sense) and now I'm kind of the unofficial product (red) spokeswoman at work, lol. It's funny because I've been kind of freaked out for a while now trying to think what I want to do when I graduate, and now I think I have at least a general idea.

I know my mother's going to hate it for all the obvious reasons; it's going to be tough emotionally, my own health will be at risk, I'll be leaving the state and possibly the country, there's little monetary reward for it...but it's still something I want to do in the future. Me a humanitarian...who would've guessed?

Hey! A PSA!!

If there's anything I've learned since Thursday, it's that life's got a funny way of lulling you into this false sense of security so that you forget about all about this little thing called mortality. You hear someone you've known and loved all their life is going to die-not eventually in 40-50 years, but probably fucking soon-and your first thought is 'No they're not. That's not fair.' And once you're done denying the 'undeniable', bargaining etc., you go into the anger phase...which is where I am now.

Where I'm standing right now, all the paltry, adolescent, minidrama garbage people are bitching about right now-and even the stuff I was concerned about before Thursday-means zilch. And the fact that in the face of real tragedies-poverty, famine, death, disease-people are abso-fucking-lutely apathetic makes me sick to my stomach. How are so many people completely oblivious to the suffering of others? It boggles my mind. This country, no this world, would be a much better place if these people could remove their heads from their asses and give a shit about someone else for a change.

At first I was going to say to the people this refers to: go fuck yourselves, and to everybody else: cheers, long life, and may God bless you with many non-self absorbed children, but instead I'll say to the first lot, fix yourself for God's sakes. You're the one who's messed up, not the people who refuse to cater to your self absorbed neuroses.

The PSA in this? Care about your fellow man. And don't poke the bear. [/PSA]

{note: this blog was copied from another site}

Shock to the System

I think I was probably in a state of shock when I wrote my last post...namely because I don't remember putting it up. I must have wrote it right after I woke up and got the phone call.

I spent Thursday around noon through midnight today with my sister and my mother which was...interesting. Some of you may find this hard to believe, but at home I'm lil miss "Look on the Bright Side" and "laugh in the face of tragedy" gal. Heh. I always forget how hard it is; to turn my negative emotions off and fake it. But you gotta do what you gotta do right?

I feel better because she feels better-well, she's not hiding under her covers any more at least, so I say mission accomplished. She's going to see a specialist some time this week so we'll have some more information on her prognosis and etc.

Haven't told anyone but my boss about this so far...not sure why. Well, that's bull. Haven't said anything because I've never been one to want to be in the spotlight for something negative. That and people stressing over me makes me anxious...heh. I think that comes from my mother's germ vendetta. That probably wasn't the word I was looking for, but let me give an example:

Me: *sneeze*
Mom: O.o Holy sh*t Claire, why aren't you wearing slippers and a robe with your PJs!? You know you're immuno compromised! The flu will kill you!! *sprays thick cloud of Lysol around the house* Here, take some NyQuil, and this Sudafed because I heard you cough for two whole seconds last night. All right, now I'm going to rub some Vicks Vapor rub on your chest. Do you want me to plug in your humidifier?

I wish to god that that was an exaggeration...

Anyway, I'm trying to study for a Spanish 4 exam I have tomorrow which I'm only about 60% prepared for. Dammit. FYI: Present, past, and imperfect subjunctive=evil! Grrr.

The Diagnosis

Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE or lupus) is a chronic autoimmune
disease that can be fatal, though with recent medical advances, fatalities
are becoming increasingly rare. As with other autoimmune diseases, the immune
system attacks the body’s cells and tissue, resulting in inflammation and
tissue damage. SLE can affect any part of the body, but most often harms the heart, joints, skin, lungs, blood vessels, liver, kidneys and nervous
system. The course of the disease is unpredictable, with periods of illness
(called flares) alternating with remission. Lupus can occur at any age, and is
most common in women, particularly of non-European descent.[1]
Lupus is treatable symptomatically,
mainly with corticosteroids and immunosuppressants,
though there is currently no cure. However, many people with Lupus lead long and
substantial lives.

So...

Yeah it's been a long time. What can I say? My memory blows.

At a time in my life where I'm really examining some of the choices I've made most difficult of which is am I in college because I want to be or because I feel I ought to be? Hmmm.

Relationship wise my life is crap. I fucking hate anything with a penis. God. And the worst part is, if he was to knock on my door right now and ask me to come back, I would. After all that's happened you'd think I have the strength to say, "No! I'm tired of being your crutch. You use me when you're broken down and then when you're having a good day or two, I'm supposed to be okay with being given the brush off!? Fuck that and fuck you." Hah. I'd kill to be able to say that to him. Whatever.

My sister's been sick. Waiting for lab results. I'm not the kind to blab about something until I know for sure one way or another though (that's me being superstitious) so I'm not going to get into it. I'm just going to keep my finger crossed and hope for the best.

What else has happened in the past year or so? Oh, got into a car accident and got a concussion there, fell on some stairs and got a bad concussion there...lol. So my brain's undergone some serious trauma, which is what I'm going to blame any forgetfulness and/or flakiness on.

And on that note, I hope to update this sometime soon.

*Claire out*