Finally got a new laptop for an insane price: $400. Frickin' sweet. I had to save up for it for 4 weeks on my crappy pay. Speaking of which, work sucks ass. And for once, I can't blame the customers. It's the people I work with. I've become the one to clean up everyone's mistakes and I hate it. My health is borderline again. Probably a lot of that has to do with work.
On the flip side, I have 5 times what I had the last time I posted ($200) and a $175 bill to pay. *siggghs* Being the working poor, for the record, blows.
I came on here planning on spilling my guts but I'm having trouble making that happen. *takes a deep breath*
Come on Claire.
So, I accidentally on purpose texted he who must never be named. It was an accident but after I realized it, I just didn't care. I was trying to text someone with a name similar to his about a bet we have going on the Olympics. He of course had no idea what the text was about and so he texts me back saying WTF? I apologize and he writes back that it was okay. "Mistakes happen." Now what the fuck does that mean? Was he referring to the incident that day? The incident that led to our parting of the ways? Something else
The insufferable bastard. It's been bugging me for the last 24 hours. I'm probably overthinking this whole thing. And honestly, it shouldn't matter to me since I told myself I was forever done. But it does. I miss him. It'd be a lie to say I don't. I don't think about him every 10 minutes like I used to and sometimes a day goes by where I won't think of him at all (which makes me both sad and happy). I don't want to have to make the move to fix this though. I've done it so many times and every time I've apologized for something I wasn't really sorry about or for something I didn't do, I've died a little inside. Which is why I put my foot down all those months ago. This is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do, but it reassures me at the same time. That I'm my own person (I already knew that, but it never hurts to have that extra reassurance) and that I can step away from someone I really love if I know it's harmful to myself.
Ugh. All this angsty posting is making me thirsty. And tired. I just want to sleep 5 years and wake up well adjusted and fully capable of handling every situation. I don't want to want things I know I shouldn't.
I don't, I don't, I don't.
...
Maybe if I say it enough times, I'll actually start to believe it.
*~*End of Transmission*~*
