Right...well, it's been what, a whole week? So much has happened and I'm not even going to try to post it all.
On a whim, I wrote an email to the ex. I really don't know what came over me. It was just a sudden crazy impulse and I just did acted on it. It was a long ass email too. It took me forever to write. Mostly because it was soo hard! What do you say to the only man you've ever loved after a year of separation? A whole lot it would seem! It just feels incredibly good to have my thoughts out there whether he comprehends them or not. I still haven't explained the whole thing...and I don't feel like it now.
This is so insane. Last night I couldn't sleep (AGAIN! THIS IS DAY 4!! Shit, this sucks) so I stayed up and started and finished a six hundred page book..and I still had a while to burn so I played video games...and then I looked through my old yearbook and my senior scrapbook. Right in the front is a picture of him at his best...gorgeous curly hair pouty lips and everything...*sighs* And as I looked at the picture, instead of anger I just felt really sad. Before we tried the whole relationship thing, we were best friends. And it just seemed sad to me that an excellent friendship had to go down the toilet for stupid reasons (I don't even remember what he did that pissed me off in the end...).
The email wasn't me begging for forgiveness. And it wasn't a declaration of love either. I merely stated why I was so frigid toward the end (commitment-phobia) and my sadness over the fact that our friendship had to suffer because of it. I don't think he's going to write back. But I put the ball in his court. Took him off all of my block lists (ha, I was REALLY pissed at the end) and gave him my cell phone number and an invitation to call me whenever he felt so inclined.
I think the question is do I still love him? Daphne and Dante would kill me if they knew this but, yeah, I do. Not the same way as before: blind adulation, almost bothering on hero worship. It's more the type of love you have for any one of your firsts (first love, first kiss, first fuck, whatever). I accept his faults. His assests. I've matured...and so has my love. Whoah, this is some heavy stuff...Blech, I'm just in one of those weird moods.
I kind of wish he would call me, even though I have no idea what I'd say. "Hi babe, sorry I went frigid Ice Queen on you and ignored all of your kind emails. That's just my way of saying I love you, tee hee." Umm, no. I'm gettting more and more freaked out by this as time goes by. What the heck was I thinking!?!? OMG...what if he writes back? Knowing him, it'll be short (his typing ain't that great) and more or less to the point. If it's one of his notorious four word responses though, I'm going to kill that boy.
*Sighs* I need to breathe. Inhale and exhale...oxygen flowing to the brains. Yes, that's the spirit. I promise that if he does write back or call, I'll blog about it right afterwards...that is, unless it's upsetting, and then I'll cry like a fucking wuss and then I'll blog, LOL. Nah, I'm not going to cry if he decides to tell me to fuck off. I'm through crying because of him. But spazzing? Hey, that's something else all together...More to come soon...hopefullly...or not, I'm not sure which I want it to be >.< ACK!!
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