Blech. I still feel like crap, but I can't let that stop me from achieving my goals for the day. I checked in with Southwest. I'm officially accepted, so I can turn in my lease and actually have somewhere to go next year, LOL.
Umm..I've still been thinking about the ex situation. I wanted to talk to You-Know-Who and whatsherface about the messages and stuff...but not anymore. For some reason, I kinda think I need to take care of this myself and really try to figure this out on my own. If he does want to begin our "romantic relationship" again, I'd like to think that I'd stop him. I don't love him like I used to anymore, that much is for certain. But still...there's something. Lust maybe? Well, whatever it is, I plan on discussing it with him today.
You know, there was a time where I would have been just over the moon by this possibility...but now I've come to enjoy not being tied down to one man. I like to flirt and not having a serious boyfriend means I can do that as often and with whomeever I like. The ex really didn't like You-Know-Who (and the feeling was definitely mutual, LOL). For some reason, those two just really didn't get along. I can't imagine why *coughs*
Let's see, what else is going on? Oh yeah, yesterday I went out for the first time in what felt like ages (with my pal Keely). It felt SO good to be out amongst people who weren't constantly asking me "how are you doing? Feeling any better?" I just don't like to be fussed over. It makes me really uncomfortable. Not taht I didn't appreciate my mom and sister being there for me...I just kinda got tired of it after a while.
Okay... I have a confession to make. I watch Dawson's Creek *ducks* I know! MY sins just keep piling up don't they? LOL. But I watch them not for much entertainment value. I watch them (and by them I mean the first and second season) because they serve as tools when I'm writing. All this romantic bullshit that I dally in (books, TV, movies, or whatever) helpps me in my writing, and it helps me in my own so-called "love" life. I'm not saying that the morals and ethics of after school specials rule my life, but I like to observe the conflict of the characters (for example, the battle between Dawson Jack, and Joey for instance) and see all of the characters' POV to understand why they do the things they do AND decide what I would have done in their situation. Maybe it's my way of making up for the fact that I had little to no say in a lot of my previous relationships? Who know. I don't feel like psychoanalyzing it now.
I wrote an email to the ex early this morning (I just remembetred). In it I was telling him how I feel about the way things in my life are going. I think I said something like this: "It's just that, for the longest time, I felt that things in my life were frozen; at a standstill, but now it's as thought they've started up again at a pace much to difficult for me to keep up with" (or something along those lines. It was the ass crack of dawn and I can't remember).
God, I just don't know what it is I want from him. I told him I wanted friendship...but what if I decide that's not enough? What if I want him to love me again? And to love him again? Would that be so terrible? Would that be a good thing? Argh, I've got so many questions and not one damned answer.
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