I'm spread really thin right now. Maybe it's what I deserve for taking on so much. I've already had to drop a couple of things...mainly my RPGing. I can't think creatively when I'm this tired, so the idea of me writing a post for an involved universe is laughable. I can barely remember how to spell my own name. And now that I'm finally going to the school that I want, my parents are on me more than ever: "what are you going to do with your life? Are you still graudatuing early with honors? Blah, blah blah". I'm so sick of it. They bitch to me about tearing the family apart. Bull fucking shit. This family hasn't been a unit since I was in elementary school, and really, not even then.
I'm glad I'm moving out. I'm an independent person, a free spirit if you will, and I hate living with my parents where I have no space and no privacy but plenty of bullshit restrictions.
Whatever. I'm done ranting about that. It turns out I'm not as far ahead with my school work as I thought. Some of the classes I took at other universities are not going to be accepted for credit at my new school...so technically I'm a fucking sophomore until the end of this semester. I need five more hours to be considered a junior and I'm taking fifteen hours, so that'll have me 10 hours ahead. The following semester, I'll just have to take 20 hours if I can...maybe I'll just do fifteen again and then during the summer, I'll take another fifteen.Then I'll be 10 hours into my senior year. I think....heh, math ain't my strong point. Surprisingly, writing is, but I'm so fucking rusty after all this vegging out I've been doing.
On a different note, I have some friends who I've known since middle school. We're all really close and I'm going to be moving in with them (sorta) in a couple of weeks. One o fmy guy friends said something to me one day that really made me kind of think. He said: "Claire, when I first met you, I knew that I loved you and your personality. But over the years, you've changed. And I love the person you've changed into even more."
I was speechless afterwards, cause when I sat down and thought about it, I couldn't think of how I've really changed, but then I felt all misty eyed (I didn't cry though). I have changed. A lot. I can't really put a finger on how exactly, but I'm not the same person I was 8 years ago...or 3 for that matter. The question in my mind now is: what kind of person have I become? I'm a bitch...I know that. But not always. I'm a lot of things now that I wasn't before. Back then, I was trusting, naive, chipper even *shudders* And now I have the taint of darkness on my heart and my soul (assuming I still have one). And that darkness neither frightens or horrifies me. I find it to be soothing....cause it shows me that I've lived and experienced things.
I've lived. For some reason, that's all I want now. To feel alive. That desire is behind all the stupid shit I do...like driving 110 on the freeway, or drinking myself into oblivion, even playing in the rain. I feel day to day like I'm numbly, mindlessly going on day by day waiting for something, anything to happen so for a minute, I can feel something.
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